Today in therapy I actually talked about a happy memory. I didn't think I had that many of those, so it's nice to have a reminder that there are some sprinkled in.
We were talking about some inner child work when this memory came up. I have been intimidated to start that on my own because I have no idea how bad the floods will be once the dam is broken. I can also be very literal sometimes so it's been difficult to talk to my "inner child" because I can't always see her in my mind. When I think about some of my biggest feelings they started in my pre-teen and teenage years, and before that is overall pretty blurry.
My therapist and I recapped this week and there has been a part of me that's hurting, and we figured out it seems like it was a little me. We talked about what she felt like and what she looked like. I said she felt sad and alone. Sad because every time she wants to speak up, she feels like no one believes her and that makes her feel alone. My therapist asked "What do you think she needs right now?" I fought back tears and responded, "I just think she needs a hug." "OK, from who?" Asks my therapist. I paused to think and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know, she doesn't really have anyone." Right as I said those words, Bucky my almost two year-old pitbull lays on my lap and I smile and give him a kiss on the head. That gave me an idea, Molly could give my little girl a hug.
Molly was a female Rottweiler I had was I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old. For some reason Molly loved me more than anyone else. She followed me around and even got jealous when I pet our other dog Logan, who was an older golden retriever. I started thinking about Molly and a happy memory came into my mind. Both Logan and Molly were sleeping. I don't know where my mother was in the house but I just remember being next to the door watching the dogs sleep. They liked that area since we were in Florida and this area was that fake linoleum stickers you can put on the floor so it felt a little cooler than the carpet. The house we had was a small little mobile home, so there wasn't much room. I remember feeling bad for Logan since I can't give him much love without Molly literally coming between us to get all my attention. When they were both asleep I tip toed over to Logan and sat down very slowly and quietly so I can pet him without Molly knowing. I only got a few pets in when Molly sprung awake and literally separated Logan and I with her body and nudged her head under my hand so I could pet her.
As a retold this memory I started smiling remembering how happy that little version of me was in that moment. I always loved animals, I even had a pot belly pig named Socks. I felt so alone, but animals like dogs just seemed to gravitate towards me and love me. When you have a pet, and you show them kindness, love and safety they love you back. You don't have to earn their love. You don't have to prove anything to them. You just love them, and they love you back. My therapist smiled at me and said "Wow she has such a big heart." I replied "Yeah, she still does, she always has."
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